Hello, welcome to the Film Scouts geek-speak language course. If you can succesfully pretend to know something about computers and the Internet, you will be the center of attention at parties. The following phrases should get you started on the road to fluency:

I'm on SGI, all those PCs and Macs are just digital doorstops.

  1. Literal translation: SGI = Silicon Graphics, a fast (and expensive) workstation.
  2. Hidden meaning: It's possible I don't even own a cheap laptop.
  3. Usefulness: A great excuse for knowing nothing about Macs and PCs; you don't need to bother with them.
I've got a T1 line at home/my office (whichever place you're not now).
  1. Literal translation: T1 is currently the fastest internet connection. Expensive.
  2. Hidden meaning: I wish.
  3. Usefulness: A fine excuse for knowing nothing about AOL, CompuServe, or Internet access providers.
Microsoft keeps sending me their new stuff and I keep telling 'em it's crap.
  1. Literal translation: I'm a big deal, an evaluator for the world's biggest software company.
  2. Hidden meaning: My reviewing specialty might be: being their typical average joe trying to install the stuff from reading the manuals; I don't necessarily know anything.
  3. Usefulness: Just barely plausible, and impossible to disprove.
My server crashed and lost my whole site, I had to re-upload all morning.
  1. Literal translation: I run my own Website and understand its inner workings.
  2. Hidden meaning: Actually, I'd really rather be rich and famous and have someone else run my site for me.
  3. Usefulness: You can always get sympathy for trouble with your machine.
I've been writing some code to do personal stuff like my address book. I use C++ exclusively, all these higher-level scripting languages are too slow.
  1. Literal translation: C++ is the latest and greatest programming language and can do just about everything.
  2. Hidden meaning: I haven't a clue how to help you with your little macro scripting question.
  3. Usefulness: People will be too intimidated to ask for advice, and won't know enough to be able to know if you know what you're talking about.
Oh, there's a shareware thing that does that. You can get it by anonymous ftp from a bunch of places.
  1. Literal translation: Ftp is the protocol used to download software you find on the internet.
  2. Hidden meaning: A pretty safe bet, there probably is such a thing, but I've never actually seen or used it.
  3. Usefulness: People enjoy being told that their problems can be solved just by typing "ftp", and it's important to look "net" worldly.
Sorry, I must have done a core dump.
  1. Literal translation: I forgot.
  2. Hidden meaning: I'm such a geek that I've internalized computer behavior.
  3. Usefulness: Geek jargon is cute when used in a social context, but be careful, normal people might just think you're weird.
The Geek spice jar: pepper these words through your conversation and people will be impressed. You don't actually have to know what they mean; no one else does.

10-base T
bundle bits
frame relay
POP server

And for the final touch, indulge in some nouveau-geek cuisine: Jolt (a soft drink with tons of caffeine), anything you can put in a microwave while still wrapped, and primary-color foods like gummy bears.

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