OK, alright, already. You want to know why we've been so silent on this
summer's biggest blockbuster. "Independence Day" has forced me
out of the critical closet. It's a scenario of what my life would have
been, had I not joined the human race.
You see, I grew up in Nevada in the Fifties. Yes, I was one of the aliens
captured at Area 51. I remember it well. It was near a place called Wendover,
on the border between Nevada and Utah. Wendover consisted of a gas station,
a casino and a Strategic Air Command Air Force Base with signs that said
"Authorized Personnel Only." They captured me when they rounded
up the first aliens they had shot down and dragged me to the commissary
to munch a burger with the authorized personnel.
I was small and cute for a rubbery-thing with no vocal cords, but, even
as a precocious young alien, I couldn't see the point of wiping out planet
earth. They were doing such a good job themselves. Besides, here we were
in the middle of a frigging desert -- it was hard to see what we were going
to wipe out. And the upside was that humans had a lotta stuff we aliens
had never seen. Like cool clothes and hairdo's and rhythm. So one day
I sneaked off and wound up in Vegas where I managed to blend in.
You know that part where the scientist shows the aliens floating in formaldehyde?
That kind of got to me. It was my parents. They were the original nerds
- technologically gifted and all that, but...well, you can tell they were
not going to get into Elvis. Our best hope would have been to evolve into
Jeff Goldblum and have to break into the White House with a powerbook in
hand to impress a woman who'd said sayonara. Pitiful, right?
So, I took the next best route and became a film critic. I guess I lost
my alien instinct. The least I could have done was realize that in my past
lay a fabulous film script for some German-alien like Roland Emerich to
But don't judge all aliens by me. A lot of us want to be Americans. Hard
to understand, but after all, we're taking over. But being the majority's
not much fun. Maybe I made the wrong decision.....maybe I should learn
how to fire a nuke....maybe I shouldn't sit in the dark so much.
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